guilty
friday:december 22, 2000//10:50pm
i just into a mini-argument with my brother. it's weird. he just got back a coupla days ago, but we haven't really talked all this time because i've been so busy with the rally and everything...if you haven't noticed, it's been a while since i last wrote. i probably shouldn't even be writing right now, all i am is frustrated and a little upset.
it's funny how things can change so quickly.
i'm pissed off and really sad. and i don't think anyone could ever understand and i just wish someone could and i wish i had someone to talk to about it all. but it's not about feeling sorry for myself, it's just about everything. it's about the way my brothers and i have been living our lives and how sad and true it is and...oh gosh i don't even make any sense to anyone.
i just wish things didn't have to be like this.
maybe i shouldn't wish so hard.
monday: december 18, 2000//11:21pm
i held my head so high
as if i
days to call my own
but im lost and swimming in thought
just not about you
just what do i have that keeps
me going on at night
i watch my stars fade away
i watch my stars...
and-
its all coming back
its happening again
but this time
im on the other end
i'll never stop to-
never wait for you
to catch up and bring me down
ill never wait for you
just because
nothing else would wait for me
but you
waste my time
wishing on dying stars
lonely and broken
faded -
seeped into my blacklit sky
my sky that cries
for...
you.
for everyone thats ever tried
everyone thats ever tried
and fell from my sky
i watch my stars...
-an unfair history.
promise you won't break my heart.
monday:december 18, 2000//11:01pm
today was a pretty good day. actually, it's been great until about the last...half hour or something. nothing particularly bad happened, i just got to thinking again. gosh. bad things happen when i don't keep my mind busy. :( i start to doubt everything. i'm not sure why, i can't exactly express this feeling. it's weird. i feel a little sad, but i don't know the real cause of it. and i'm worried about this week, it's going to be extremely busy. i don't know if everything is going to work out for the rally, and then i have the boy to worry about, and of course this is the same week that i've gotta do christmas cards and bake. bleh. don't get me wrong, these are all little fun adventures all on their own, but all at the same time...it's a little overwhelming. and i guess now would be one of those times that i could really use someone like the past two boys that i've been extremely interested in...just to talk to and help me through it and...bah. is it bad for me to whine and reminisce about kyle again? probably, but i'm going to do it anyway. :D ahh how i miss when i'd start stressing out and kyle would say that he was there to help me and get me un-stressed and he would hug my stress out. and when i talked to him, it felt like nothing else existed.
but i digress. in fact, i don't think i should talk about him too much anymore, it's horrible for myself and probably other people too. i know, it doesn't make sense for me to keep rambling about a guy if i've already sort of got a different guy...but it's just hard to depend on him right now because i don't know if i'm allowed to. and i guess that's the big question i need to ask him...not if we're gonna get together anytime soon or if i should give up completely or things are ever gonna change...just that i want to know if it's alright for me to depend on him. not too much, just a little. just enough so i know that i have someone to depend on. well, i should get to bed. but today was a pretty good day. :) despite the last half hour.
wishingondyingstars
sunday:december 17, 2000//10:30pm
why can't other people update their sites as often as i do? heh :) i just need something to read. something personal of someone's. because right now i am just feeling a little...scared. scared to lose, i guess. not sure if i have a right to be, but i am just getting caught up in these worries about...how he really feels. and if he really does like me or just feels bad that he kissed me and now there's no turning back. if it's just his friends that care about me and my feelings and my heart getting broken if he told me that he indeed got caught up in the moment. and i hope so much that he is not the angel that breaks my heart.
"you said you called me 'cause you want me and one day you let me go you try to keep away, keep her, or keep me 'cause you know you're just to scared to lose." lisa loeb. right on sista. heh. yep, it's another night of me staying up hoping that he'll talk to me...just waiting and waiting and afraid to leave and go through another day without knowing what's going on. boy. am i insecure or what? :P i think i'm just...in need of something stable, like i've always been. and now i am so close...this is the closest i've ever been in such a long time and i am so scared that i might ruin it all.
feeling this way is so bad, because it makes me feel sorry for myself or something, and that's not good. and sometimes i think back to kyle and miss him and wish that we were still friends. and it's so hard to explain that i loved talking to him...he made me laugh and he made me feel so happy inside and our relationship wasn't about hugging and kissing and holding hands. it was just about talking to each other and being listeners and caring so much for someone you wish you could spend more time with, but things are just right the way they are too. sometimes it's healthy to miss someone...and sometimes a hug is just enough. and that's how it was with him and i. and i miss that.
i'm going crazy, i know. the good news is, i'm not really sad right now. just kind of nostalgic. and i get this way every year around christmastime. so i guess i really am getitng into the christmas spirit.
itsbeginningtolookalotlike...
sunday:december 17, 2000//3:06pm
i know, a little late to be getting into the christmas mood but better late than never! :) like the new look? i decided that i needed a little more...hm...flavor in this pita. hee. anyway, yeah, originally i had drawn a snowflake but it didn't look that great so yunno, gotta improvise :) gosh. there's so much to do now that i've got all my xmas stuff ready and i have an idea of what i wanna prepare for all my friends. but it's great :) i'm really happy that i'm finally...into it all. :) ooh. this song is really nice. i forgot who it's by, but it goes, "look how the stars, look how they shine for you...for all the things you do." i wish i knew what it was called, but i know i'll hear it again :) i think it might be called yellow. heh.
sorry i didn't get back to writing yesterday, i really meant to. but i was never un-busy :( which can be good, i guess, though i didn't get much time to myself. but it's alright, i had fun anyway :) i woke up early to do some volunteering...it was really fun, we sorted gifts that would be donated to agencies for families for this program called the family giving tree. it was pretty cool. i met a lot of new people, and i had a good time. afterwards, i had a meeting for my 11 pipers piping at my house..and it turned out pretty well :) i'm really happy that we've got a routine down and everything, and i'm just all in all excited about this upcoming week instead of dreading it like i was last week. so yes. excellent. hee. :) and...they stayed at my house till around 8 playing video games and watching movies and stuff. it was fun though :) oh. "yellow" by coalplay. score :D and this morning i went to target with ann and also stopped by long's drugs..my old weekend hangout! *laugh* well not exactly but i did go there a lot in the fall. and i saw justin! my old buddy! :D i didn't say hi to him though because he seemed like he was a little busy and...yeah. he's still cute though. he dyed his hair blackish brown. it's alright, but i like him better with the whiteblond. anyway, i have been having fun and getting ready for the season...filling stockings and buying supplies and putting out candy bowls around the house...it's really nice :) anyway, i've still got loads to do and i gotta go. peace outside. :)
iwantsnow
friday:december 15, 2000//10:50pm
it'd be nice. :) but right now, i'm pretty happy with how things are. except for the bird poop on my car. heh. go figure. :p s'ok, i'll get it cleaned tomorrow or this weekend. *yawn* today has been a long, pretty fun day. i woke up in a really good mood...and things were pretty much alright throughout the day. probably the highlight of my day was when i saw him between 1st and 2nd period and he hugged me and swung me around like he missed me and was happy to see me. :) he made me feel good. i love when he makes me feel like that. it's strange though, he gets so uncomfortable when certain people are around. he's awkward sometimes, and it's kind of funny in a sweet way.
afterschool we went to safeway and shopped for random movie night food...because tonight we had a movie night at my house...and we rented "center stage" because we all felt like watching a teenybopper movie and we ate like mad cows and...yeah :D it was fun. i had a great time, and it was a nice way to re-bond with everyone...sometimes we all get so caught up in the stress and don't remember to try to be happy with ourselves and our lives and each other. it's hectic sometimes. and i am so glad that we were able to relax. yeah. ooooh and i got my winter ball pictures today. :) i haven't given them to kevin yet but probably next week i will. anyway, i'm tired for days so i'm gonna head to bed...i'll write more tomorrow if i get the time/chance. :) goodnight.
musicforarevolution
thursday:december 14, 2000//6:20pm
yay tomorrow is friday. and today was pretty nice. i mean, the whole day was a little bland and bleh but afterschool i went to eat with margot, daniel, janet, and davin. we went to pizza california and it was really nice. :) we got to spend some time together and for once in a long time, i felt very free and happy and...not-as-pressured. yunno, i'm just glad it happened. and it was fun to drive around too, i felt so cool *laugh* even though in reality i'm a big geek, it feels so great behind the wheel with a bunch of friends and singing a bunch of cheesy pop songs with the volume turned all the way up. it's just fun, and makes you feel young in a good way. yeah, lately i've just felt like i am irritated so much by ignorant teenagers (not saying that i'm not one of them, just some are more so) and i was so tired of high school. i just wanted to get out. but today made me feel young in a wonderful way, like i could do anything and i was safe and happy. it's a feeling that people should get more often, because i think they would be able to loosen up. but anyway, i think i'm gonna take a nap and then do some homework...yep. i wish everyday could be something like this. :)
whenyouwrapyourarmsaroundme
wednesday:december 13, 2000//10:20pm
the reason why i haven't been getting to sleep very early lately is because of my horrible study habits, i think. they used to be really good. actually, my lifestyle used to be awesome. cross country practice after school, then homework, then go home and do more homework and eat and go to sleep at a decent hour. everything was great, and i had a good outlet for my anger and stuff too. now it doesn't seem like i do that as much. i'd like to start running again tomorrow. i just have too bad of a temper without it. i get too frustrated with myself.
i've cut class two days in a row. i'm not sure if i'm depressed or stressed; it's like a cloud that hangs over me, only arriving at certain times in the day. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i am pretty confident that i'll be ok. i just get a little crazy sometimes, that's all. :) heh. rebellion is boiling inside of me. i wish it would go away, just for a few weeks or something. i've not been myself lately.
except when i am with him. and i am happy and i feel like someone really cares and is watching out for me. gosh. the way i feel when i just talk to him. it's like...things are gonna be ok, and just for a moment, everything is right. i'd give a lot to feel like that all the time. i don't necessarily need him around all the time, i'd just like to have the feeling that i've felt around him lately to with me more often...because i am just frustrated with the way i've been lately. i want to be comfortable in my surroundings again.
iwannawalkwithyou
tuesday:december 12, 2000//10:01pm
hopefully i'll be asleep in about an hour. i've been really tired these past few days and i think it's because of that huge lack of sleep i had on sunday. and now i'm overflowed with homework and very afraid of the math test tomorrow. i don't know what to do. i'm quite worried and i'm not sure if it's more worth it to do my math homework or study for my math test or just say screw it all and go to sleep. :( but enough whining. things are alright. work is hard-pressed right now, that's all. and i'll be ok, maybe once everything is done and finished. on a good note, i am quite happy about where things are with him. today i talked to him in front of his friends and it didn't feel so strange anymore. it's actually starting to feel...ok. who woulda thought? :p
crazythinkingaboutyou
monday:december 11, 2000//10:25pm
i'm inbetween where i want to be and how i will get there. so all in all, life is good. somehow, things will work out right.
earthangel
sunday:december 10, 2000//9:24pm
i wish i could tell you about the winter ball. i really wish i could. but things are risky right now. i've gotta be real careful. all i can say is...it was probably one of the most interesting nights i've had in a long time. and...i had fun. :)
if someone asked me what i wanted right now, i would say this: i want to go out with him regularly. i want to hold his hand. i want to give him kissing and dancing lessons and laugh about it. i want to leave him sweet notes on his car suggesting that we go out together after practice and i want to hug him and make him happy. i want to talk to him in front of his friends and not feel uncomfortable and be there for him. i want him to tell me that i'm beautiful everyday. i want more of him.
i guess we'll just have to wait and see. :)
justastepawayfromfriday
thursday:december 7, 2000//11:05pm
i'm sleepy. i don't know why i'm not asleep yet, i guess i just felt a need to come here just for a bit and say how my day was. it was nice. some good and bad things here and there, but right now i am feeling alright. i feel like i'm on my way to make things a little better for people. i feel like things are getting mended. i feel like i'm going to explode with a kind of quiet excitement/nervous anxiety. yes i am just pretty much all over the place tonight, and it doesn't feel too bad. it's just, yunno, how things are. i called kyle today...nobody picked up the phone so i think he was online. i'm not sure what to say about that, except i guess i wish i was he was home because just once i'd like to talk to him and talk and catch up on everything and maybe we can explain ourselves and fix things. or he can hang up on me and never want to speak to me again and that wouldn't be so bad either. i mean it would hurt, but at least it'd be some kind of closure. i do miss him though. but there is not much you can say to someone that you haven't known for that long and he gets mad at you and there is no reason to talk anymore except a feeling. a feeling like it just doesn't make sense for you to stop talking. :| i know i shouldn't dwell on it too much, so i'll stop there. but boy. i would really like for things to be fixed someday. anyway, i'm supersleepy and i should probably get going. goodnight dearies.
onmyownagain
wednesday:december 6, 2000//9:30pm
today has been a pretty eventful, good day. :) i think, when i try to look at things a little better, things actually are a little better. otherwise i'm just really good and i feel myself :) but yeah, i'm pretty happy with...stuff. heh. not completely like in love with life right now but things are pretty good so i can't complain :) i've just been in a fairly good mood all day. anyway, today was a short day because of teacher collaboration, and that's always nice. at lunch, kevin came to our class meeting and we went to buy tickets together...but he didn't let me pay and i don't think he's going to let me pay for pictures either so i think it's fair that i got the corsage and boutineer today. heh :) yep, after my writing committee meeting, michelle, thuong and i went to the flower shop to check out some corsages and stuff...and we ended picking out some stuff. so it was pretty nice. michelle dropped me off back at home, and now that i get real car priveleges, i drove to the basketball game at school, and i saw kevin's car still there so i left him a little note about the boutineer and corsage and stuff. i hope he's ok with it :) and if he isn't, tough patooties! heh :D anyhow, after the game, davin and i went to togo's and then i drove him home. man it's nice to have a car :) anyway, i think i had more to say, but i think i kinda forgot. if i remember, i'll come back.
giveitaweek
tuesday:december 5, 2000//6:39pm
there sure is a lot of interesting stuff on the internet. heh. i just went around searching for pages that i can read...i really like going to other people's journals and pages, i don't know why, it just is extremely interesting. in some ways, it can be a big esteem booster too. :) i feel a little better right now...a little more sure of myself. i guess it's just all relative and stuff. i dunno. i did some pushups and crunches, which i'm proud of because i really do need to work out more, and hopefully this is a first step. i think that things will be ok...i really hope so, anyway. boys are silly and people are silly and i've just got to be patient and good because i'm silly too. :) and soon enough, things will work themselves out and i won't be so sad anymore. i'm a bit tired, so i think i'll take a quick nap. i promise after that i'll go study for my history test tomorrow. :) and i'll probably come back on in a few hours just because i always check to see if he's on so i can talk to him. just for a bit. just so i know that we can talk to each other. yunno, it's so weird. when it's just me and him, we talk for however long and it's great and i feel like everything is alright and i feel like i have a wonderful friend in him. but when other people are around, we suddenly get so quiet, so shy. i don't know why it is, but i am hoping to give it a week and things might just improve.
notsurewhatimsureof
tuesday:december 5, 2000//5:42pm
it's probably not healthy for me to have so much time to think :P seriously, it's pretty bad for me. wilson says i have a lot of "moral anxiety", and by that he means i just worry too much about what i do and what i say and whether or not it's right. i guess that's pretty much true. today was pretty weird. it's strange how the past few weeks have been either weird or kind of nice. my biggest worry in the past hour i guess has been whether or not i'm doing things for the right reasons. high school is such a bummer sometimes. you get so much crap from everybody and you're never sure of what you're doing or you just don't see what the point of anything is and it is just really awful. and then on the other hand, you don't think things are really that bad but it's just the people that bring it out and...geez. it's just pretty bad. sometimes i get to thinking so much and i get so irritated and frustrated with myself and what i do that i don't even want to exist anymore. but if everybody thought that way, everyone would be dead or very suicidal or just extremely bored with life and that's not the kind of example i'd like to set. it's so weird, how i feel like i've gotta be a good role model. what's up with that? heh. if i just had less time to think and could find what makes me happy--truly happy--maybe i could be alright again. i don't know what happened. i guess i'm just strange. different. i can already feel myself saying, "no, that's not true" later, because i have a habit of doing that. and i guess i just don't know. who i am. what is me. what makes me happy. things i'll have to figure out someday before i drive myself crazy.
backandtotheleft
monday:december 4, 2000//10:40pm
i think i gotta make this a quick entry since it's late and i haven't even finished studying and things like that. yeah. i've had horrible study habits lately. today i fell asleep for a couple of hours i think...and i'm still tired. i hope i'm not depressed. i've just got a weird feeling about me. but it's gotten better, i talked to daniel about it, and i talked to jeff about his problems...and gosh i really do love that boy. he is so awesome and just a real sweetheart and he makes me feel better without even knowing it :) i contemplated deleting my past entry because it seemed too revealing to me and i've already gotten some *cough* blackmail about it...hmph. :D not exactly blackmail, but gosh how that boy teases me :p (not kevin. ANOTHER boy.) it's ok though, as long as word doesn't get out about things, i'll be ok. it's been so weird though, it's like impossible to keep it undercover. heh. not that we like have a lot to hide or anything, because we're just friends, but i don't think it's very good for everyone to start gossiping about it or anything. maybe i'm just being paranoid and i have nothing to worry about, because nobody really cares anyway :D i think that's exactly it. ok. well i've gotta get going, sorry the entry couldn't be longer, i've got a lot to say but no time for it. i'll try again tomorrow.
youreseeinglessofmedarling
saturday:december 2, 2000//9:55pm
mark hoppus got married today, or so news was. i'm not sure if it actually happened or not, but today was the scheduled date. oh mark. :( i mean, i'm superhappy for him and i think it's so awesome that he finally found someone right because i'd like to think that eventually i'll find someone right too because i feel like he and i share a loneliness and....gosh. heh. ok, it must sound pretty stupid, but i guess i'm just bizarre like that. but i'm happy for mark! :) he is beautiful and really deserves someone. (please don't think i'm psycho-crazy, like i said, i have a lot of reasons for loving blink182 so much, especially mark. :)
i think i'll move on to a different topic now, because i'm not sure what else to say about the whole mark hoppus thing that won't scare everyone. heh. ok. so today i took the sat's for the first time ever, and it was alright. not that scary...well, alright, when i first got to the school, i was nearly pee-in-my-pants horrified. *laugh* but i was pretty confident too so i was ok and throughout the test i was in a laidback sort of mood. and when we were done i felt pretty good. :) so i guess i'm pretty happy with how that went, i don't know how well i did but my goal is to break 1200. i hope i did...i guess we'll just have to wait and see.
another first in the past few days...i went out with kevin last night. i want to flat out say that it wasn't intended as a date...or at least i don't think it was. heh. ok, part of me wanted to see it as a date and the other part of me really didn't, because i don't think it's worth it to ruin our friendship for a relationship that neither of us need or have time for. i'm not sure if it's safe to say what happened, but i guess i should just hope that he never finds this site and just tell the story because i think it's an awesome anecdote *laugh* i just think it's one of those great high school stories that you could make a tv show out of. :D ok, so he comes to pick me up around 8 so we can catch unbreakable at 8:45. when he comes, his hair doesn't have gel in it so it's all poofy and funny and cute, and then i am totally reassured that we're just going as friends and he has no feelings for me. and we get into the car and just start talking about stuff. it's so comfortable and nice, and i am having fun. i like having one on one conversations with people. so we get to the theatre and drive around for parking, and who do we see but some of our friends from yearbook? :) so they told us about a killer place for parking, but by the time we get there a car takes it. so we drive around a little more, and we very luckily find a good spot. we park and get out and get in line for the tickets. the thing is, unbreakable at 8:45 is sold out. the yearbook kids who want to see the same movie as us bought the last tickets from a scalper. :p but kevin is stubborn and says that we're getting into the movie no matter what, so we try and think for a bit. we decide to buy tickets for charlie's angels at 8:30 and sneak into unbreakable. but, when we walk in, we see that they're taking tickets in at the door. (i'm gonna change tenses here.) so we sat down and thought some more. we ended up getting the ticket stubs from our yearbook buddies after they went in...see we had this ingenius plan--the yearbook kids go in. one of them takes two stubs from his friends, along with his own, goes out to use the restroom, meets kevin in there and gives him the other two stubs. and that's how we got in! *laugh* anyway, now that i went on and on about that for a while, we finally sat down in the movies next to our yearbook buds. he and i sit at the ends, next to each other, and when the previews started, i put my head on his shoulder because my neck hurt from being in the planetarium yesterday, and he put his arm around me, and soon we were in a pretty cuddly position. heh. i don't know how else to describe it but warm and pretty comfortable and content. anyway, when the movie was over, we sometimes held hands and sometimes he put his arm around me and i didn't know what to think after that. but i was pretty consistent in reassuring myself that this is just how he is--he is very touchy/flirty with his friends and i'm just a friend. and it was ok by me because i have really learned to like him as a friend this way. anyway, we walked to the car and he drove me home...and stopped in front of my house, parked, and got out of the car. i was pretty surprised, i didn't even remember to get out of the car until i noticed that he was already outside. hee. :D i got out, and he walked me up the driveway onto the porch and we hugged and said our goodnights and its-been-nice kind of stuff and that was it. :) and the nice thing is, i'm really happy with it. i think the way things are is fine and i am so glad that i'm getting to know him better, and the fact that we can be so honest and comfortable with each other is awesome. it really delights me that i am finding a friend in someone that i don't think i ever could've seen myself be friends with. it just always seemed like we would always be kind of acquaintances, and it really surprises me how much time we've spent together.
that was a really long section. anyway, i have a lot more to say about other things, but this away message thing on aim is really bothering me and i feel like i should get back. heh. :) so, i will talk more tomorrow, i think.
thisisjustforme
wednesday:november 29, 2000//7:15pm
ok now i am definitely sure that it's almost that time of the month again. heh. i am a silly girl. not even a full hour later and i feel much better. i ate an orange, read some of michelle's entries (click top link--her page is absolutely wonderful :) and listened to some foo fighters. sigh. some girls are crazy, like the new found glory song goes, and i am one of them. don't worry, not all girls get this way around their periods, but many do. but guys, never ever suggest that that's the reason the girl is being moody. she'll kick your ass. heh :D and the good news is, i didn't take it out on anyone, just on my trusty ole pita. (poor guy) heh. i am lucky for this.
things must be so boring once you're outta school. i can't imagine how scared i'm gonna be when i enter the real world.
cutslikeaknife
wednesday:november 29, 2000//6:27pm
i don't know what's wrong with me today. it's just been a really weird day and i just need someone to talk to honestly and i need someone to understand me. but the people i called that might just be what i need aren't available. bah. oh well. can't have your way all the time. : how did it go from not a care in the world to suddenly everything disturbs you? how does it go from all of the people you spend every day with become annoying? maybe it's just almost that time of the month. heh. which i wouldn't like to have about now (i'm taking sats on saturday) but it might be some kind of explanation. i don't know. it just seems like there are so many things wrong with everything suddenly, and it is making my head and heart hurt. it drives me crazy when things don't make sense. it makes me feel like there is something terribly wrong with either me or the world. and either, i guess, is a very disturbing idea. i just don't get things today. very unexpected things happened today that crushed me. i hate these bad days. these days when i have too much time to think, and i let people down, and i realize that just when things were going well, it was just me with my guard down. :p it hurts so much to be reminded that mankind can be bad and that not everyone has learned compassion and empathy. i know i shouldn't expect everyone to be kind and perfect..i mean obviously the world isn't that way and it probably never will be but sometimes i forget that the people around me can do bad things too. people so close to me. sometimes i think i just put too much trust in people. and other times i am too judgmental. and i just don't understand it, not at all. and it gets so bad sometimes that i think the only way to get away from it all is to get away from the world. and today was one of those days. and i wish it wasn't because i would've liked things to go right today. but i ended up hurt. well. i guess everybody has their offdays. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
theresjustsomethingaboutyou
tuesday:november 28, 2000//6:25pm
there is something very strange about having things work out. it's almost a little scary. heh. i ended up doing the honors english thing, and it turned out ok. i'm actually really liking it. it's amazing! heh. ms.lambro and ms.sanchez were talking about how i've "matured" this year. i don't know whether to take it as a compliment or not because i don't think i'm all that different. i mean, i guess i am, but not really school-wise. i thought i always understood philosophy and the things we studied in english...but oh well. the point is, i did it and i'm sticking to it and i think it'll be worth it.
on an even better note, kevin asked me to the winter ball today. :) i try not to be too excited, but i'm really hyped up about going to a formal dance with a date and especially since it's someone cool like kevin. it's nice. actually, it's amazing. heh. i'm just pretty happy that we had originally wanted to go with each other, and finally we are. (can you tell i'm trying to hide my giddiness? these days you never know WHO might find your page :P) *laugh* ok. to be completely honest, i am pretty darn excited. kevin is dreamboy in many girls' eyes. he's supersmart, has a 4.2 gpa and 1440 on the SATs...he does varsity track, cross country, and soccer...he is every teacher's dream, he acts, he sings, he drives, he does just about everything, and best of all, he is just a sweetheart. he's funny, amazingly cute and charming, his family is darling...and i just think he's a really cool person. he could probably ask any girl he wanted to the dance, but he was kind enough to ask me. so i'm pretty flattered that he would think that he'd have fun with me at the dance. :) but but but but this doesn't mean at all that he likes me, nope, we settled that earlier and i'm sticking to it goshdarnit! hee. it's so strange how people are reacting to it though, people have been like, "i heard...wow...oooh" *laugh* it's silly. but really nice. in a...hm...sweet, high school way. i don't know if that makes sense at all, but no time to make sure if it does or not, i've been one for an hour and i still have lots of homework and tests to study for. :p sorry. :) have a good night.
boxofchocolates
sunday:november 26, 2000//7:15pm
this is horrible. my brother brought home a box of chocolates. i've eaten like 5 already. i'm on a buttercream on right now...probably all crisco or something :P my brother would probably say something like, "are you trying to be come a lardass?" as he once rudely said to his friend when he was drunk *laugh* i'm just kiddin', i don't know what the situation was, i just know he said it to his friend once. :) but it was all in good fun. anyway, it's official now--i'm tired of boys! :) this is a statement that will probably last all the way until tomorrow, but for the time being, it's quite true. :D i just think they're absolutely silly and maybe not even worth worrying over right now. i am itching to resolve things with kyle and give him his damn present. hee. :) but other than that, my mind has been avoiding the subject of boys. i have a whole plan about kyle though. see, i wanna go to his workplace and have one of his co-workers give it to him or something. i dunno. just an idea. or otherwise i'd go in my secretive hat and sunglasses as a disguise or something...lol. well either way it's all in good fun. wow. i think that's the second time i've used that expression in one entry. creepy. yes this chocolate is getting to me, i'm not sure when the last time was that i had so much chocolatey sugar. :p bah. i really shouldn't be online right now. curses to this stupid computer and aol instant messenger! ruining my iife. heh. i am just bad with this decision: see, i don't know if i want to do honors english or not. if i do the project for it right now, within the three hours i have left until i hit the hay, then i can do it for the rest of the semester (which is only about 6 weeks) and get honors credit. that's awesome, i think. but i really don't feel like doing it. how horrible is that? but i am just lazy. like, extremely lazy, right now. but i need that honors credit to get above a 4.0 this year. but what really matters? my freedom and happiness or an few extra points for my grade? :( sadly, it's a difficult choice for me. really it is. i'm such a sucker for good grades and high gpa's. stupid society, raise me to try and be miss perfectionist, make me choose gpa over sleep and happiness....grr. aggh. honors credit looks so good on college applications...no no no.
flymetothemoon
saturday:november 25, 2000//10:07am
hooray i'm going shopping in less than half an hour :) joseph's gonna come pick me up and then we're gonna go to newpark mall. i'm excited. i'm not even dressed yet *laugh* i mean i am but i'm not dressed for shopping...geez. :P i hope everyone's thanksgiving was at least somewhat good...heh...because that's what mine was :) i actually ended up playing "day of the tentacle" for most the day, and cooking for the other half of the day...which is good for me because those are two things i like to do. hee. :) and yesterday i went to go see "the grinch" with my brothers...which was actually pretty good :) it's strange, i hadn't gone to the movies for like months before the time i went with joe, and now it seems i'm going every week or something. that's pretty cool though :) i like movies. heh. i'd never read "the grinch who stole christmas" before so i was pretty surprised all the way through..i know, everyone that i tell that to gets all, "you've never read the book?!" heh. no. i haven't. let's leave it at that. :)
i had an interesting conversation with kevin last night. it was pretty long, he just kind of goes on and on about stuff. but it's great because it's like he's pouring his heart out to me :) and it's important to me that he can talk to me and be honest with me...and we talked about that, even! so it's pretty good. i know that he doesn't like me though, and so, officially for the record, i don't like him either. we're friends. and that's the best way to go. yep :) well i really ought to go and get ready, joe will be here in a few minutes.
iguessimnotpreparedtosaygoodbye
wednesday:november 22, 2000//10:30pm
today was an awesome day. all my classes were easy and for the most part, pretty fun...i snuck in some driving in the morning and cooking at night. some of my favorite things to do :) i woke up early this morning to go to safeway and pick up some cans and pumpkin pie for donation. it was kind of adventurous (sp?) because i probably shouldn't be taking the car out like that when it's still kind of dark and without my brother's permission but gosh it was a good way to start out the day :) and in history we wrote a list of what we were thankful for...wow! what a great assignment. english was alright, physics was pretty cool, calc surprisingly was pretty awesome :) i'm getting a b+ in that class, 10 points away from an a...i know, i said grades don't matter that much but i would be mad if i was that close to an a and didn't get one. so i'm gonna work real hard the rest of this semester. i hope i do alright. lunch was really nice...we had a class meeting and then i went to a quad to chill with my friends :) and right after lunch, i saw kevin and we talked for a bit...which is a good thing because it sort of made my day. bleh :( i wish it didn't, almost. but in the meantime, thank my lucky stars i guess :) spanish was good, and p.e. was supercool, i walked around with michelle the whole time and just talked about stuff :) and at the end, we played basketball with the guys and i shot the only basket right at the whistle...hooray! :)afterwards, i had a writing committee meeting which turned out pretty good because we actually have an idea of what we wanna do now...and that's superawesome. and after that, michelle and thuong and i went to carl's jr. wow. what a rad day. :) i am just amazed.
of course, home life is always a little different. not that it was that bad, just kind of lonely i guess. i made snickerdoodles! :) which was pretty fun, but it sucks making cookies with no one to eat them or enjoy the smell with you. it's ok. i like cooking anyhow, but after i dropped some off at my-dung's house, i felt kind of empty and sad. i played my guitar and thought about kyle but tried not to be sad about it. i paged him this morning...at 4am because that is always the time that he wakes up and it always reminds me of him. so i paged him to see if he'd call back...which he didn't but it's alright. i guess just having time to myself with nothing else to do but wash dishes and listen to clumsy words on my cassette player is bad for the brain. but now i'm alright, just really tired and i wish i could talk to one of them right now. or just talk to anyone, really. i could use that.
on a lighter note, yay tomorrow is thanksgiving! i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving and eat and cook and sleep and do whatever makes you happy. yep. goodnight.
